The Biochemistry of the Break-Up, Part One

There are plenty of people out there who want to exploit your grief over the loss of a romantic lover by selling you some plan to ‘get them back’. They present love and romance as if it were a ‘sport’ or some sort a ‘game to be played’.

What you ultimately need to understand though is that in almost every case you can’t get them back, but far more importantly, you very much need to get beyond that type of ‘thinking’ altogether. Thinking in terms of ‘getting them back” simply will never serve you and it will only prolong the pain or worse re-engage it.

I am not trying to sell you a dam thing so I can tell you the truth. Your understanding and accepting the truth will in time relieve that pain more quickly than any illusion you might now maintain. Most critically of all, seeing things as they really are will also do much more for you longer term in your search for lasting love.

At present you are dealing with one of the most terrible emotional pains there is, the loss of a romantic lover. Most likely you are somewhat young as well. But, you will never get past that pain as fully as you must if you do not accept the truth so that you can start turning that present ‘Pain’ into to a future ‘Purpose’.

Let me just list some of those important realities and briefly without any real explanation of them and the ‘why’ as yet:

(1) Whatever you think the ‘break up’ was over it was not. That reason you imagine was the ’cause’ was a manufactured one to provide an excuse or rationalization to exit the relationship for someone. This ’cause’ is a rationalization in order to deny the simple truth that ‘it just isn’t fun anymore with you like it once was’.

(2) The break up was because the ‘chemistry ended’, the romantic lust and ‘personal attraction biochemical’s’ just naturally played themselves out as they always do. But they ‘played out’ in one lover before the other. As a result the one lover always feels betrayed and abandoned as they are still under the biochemical cocktail of love themselves.

(3) Most likely the break up had little if anything to do with you personally. The break up was not because you were somehow or in some way determined not ‘good enough’ by the other former partner. It is may be near impossible to grasp that reality right now, but this most intensely personnel experience in your life did not come to an end over anything truly personnel about you really.

(4) There are three distinct stages of love and a different and specific biochemical complex directs each. Human beings have no conscious control over the release or the ‘life span’ of the biochemical’s of love and romance.

(5) The three stages of love are A) Lust, B) Personal Attraction and C) and frankly on the ‘wise and informed’ or the ‘lucky’ ever get to this stage, Attachment. Only the Attachment phase of love is physiologically sustainable and can thus endure. This incidentally is real love, but the Lust and Personal Attraction stage are a ‘kind of and part of love’ too but as glorious as they can be these are always and must be transitory and short lived stages.

Now lets get down to cases. There is a reason half of all marriages end in divorce. Keep in mind that a marriage is considerably harder and more expensive to dissolve that a ‘dating relationship’ or even a long-term ‘live in’ relationship.

So lets first understand why most marriages terminate in the first few years or so because it bears directly on your situation now. You need to understand these things in order to move on with and in some cases ‘rebuild your life’.

Please realize, you can’t keep making the same mistakes and re-engaging the same pain each time because if you keep moving down that path (as you could be now) then eventually you will end up ‘giving up on love’ and worse yet on yourself. And frankly they are both part of the very same thing just at different stages.

If you continue down that road later you will come to realize that you are not really capable of feeling almost anything anymore. And by then you won’t care much either. If that is not the destination you seek then understand the ‘roadmap of love’ that will be presented here. Because while the grief of a lost lover is terrible and real, it also can put your feet on the start of that very path to ‘feeling nothing’.

Do you know what is the greatest determinate is how happy people are in their marriage?

Well, it is simply how happy they were with themselves before their marriage.

IF you do not accept yourself and happy with basically yourself THEN it is unlikely you will find and enjoy a truly lasting and rewarding romantic relationship with another, until you do become fundamentally become happy with yourself.

The above is exactly why people spend billions of dollars on ‘self-improvement programs’ every year. It is why ‘weight loss’ alone is a multi-billion dollar industry. People are driven to feel ‘better about themselves’ just as they are driven and need to both give and receive love.

Of course a part of that motivation for self-improvement, be it weight loss or assertiveness training etc, is because they think it will make them more ‘attractive’ to the opposite sex. Well, if they do it properly it will make them more attractive to the opposite sex.

But do you see that deeper down they want to be ‘more attractive to themselves’ first? We intuitively come to know some of these great truths even though we may not fully realize them consciously to ourselves.

Hence, in your quest for love you must first endeavor to make yourself happy with yourself. Let me put it somewhat crudely, to whatever degree and whatever reasons you despise yourself, then so will you be despised by most all others too. The converse is also true, if you are clearly at peace with yourself and basically happy with yourself, then it is so much easier for others to feel that same way about you too.

If you grasp this reality then you will see the fallacy in what is commonly referred to as ‘finding your soul mate’. This attitude and thinking reflects a personal feeling of personal ‘incompleteness’. And so finding that ‘one meant for you’ will magically make you become ‘complete’ with your one true “soul mate’.

This is not just harmless ‘fantasy thinking’ either; it is ‘non-thinking’ that simply will not serve you in finding and identifying a suitable and loving mate. This is because this attitude impairs your ‘doing the work’ of establishing your own happiness with yourself first.

And of course there isn’t just ‘one true soul mate’ out there for you either. There are potentially hundreds of thousands and actually many more than that who can fill that role and very well for you, that is if you’re happy enough with yourself to fulfill that role for them too.

Now let’s briefly examine that lost romantic love of yours. Were they really happy with themselves? Give it some thought and you might see that just before the break up began they were not that happy with themselves. Were they happy with you at one point in time though? Yes, they almost surely were for a time. You engaged the natural dopamines and Serotonin in them.

But were they happy with you when they decided to break up with you? No, of course they were not. The dopamine’s and Serotonin were just no longer released for them with you anymore. They wore off and so ‘the chemistry just wasn’t there anymore’. It is pretty easy to see that now isn’t it?

But here is the real issue and it is challenging one to understand and accept but in time you will because you must. The person you loved never really existed at all except in your own mind. You may have loved ‘them’, traveled with them, etc, etc. But the person you loved was actually ‘created in your own mind’ alone out of the ‘actual person’ in the relationship. Perhaps your imagination created that image of your ‘one and only soul mate’ you were driven to have too. But clearly they were not.

They were not and never were ‘that person’ you loved so dearly in your mind were they? Of course they were not.

The biochemicals of Serotonin and Dopamine’s do this ‘for you’. And by the way, they don’t call it ‘dope’ for nothing. They allow this ‘suspension of observation and distortion of perception’ about another loved one. That is their precise biological purpose too.

Think about this question: “How do wild lions mate?” Answer “Very carefully”. Lions get dopamine and Serotonin releases before mating too. It cuts down on what otherwise might be a mutual slaughter.

Remember how ‘great’ you felt in just being around the former loved one? Of course you do. You likely remember how exciting it used to be just anticipating your rendezvous with them too.

At one point your former lover felt much the same way about you too, that is Dopamine’s and Serotonin. All of this is the ‘natural way’. But the lover who abandoned you just came out from ‘under the spell’ before you did.

Consequently, you were left totally bewildered. Maybe you asked yourself “How can they suddenly act like this, so cold and distant after all the love and tenderness we shared together. They suddenly act like none of that ever even happened?”

Now what I have presented thus far is just basic biochemical science with which I am very familiar. However, I want to add something personally here that I feel I have observed, but which is not established through the rigorous scientific methodology such has what has been presented thus far.

It appears to me that the Dopamine’s and Serotonin levels tend to drop of first in the member of the relationship that is not as much ‘at peace with themselves. The partner that has more self-doubts and less self-acceptance seems to come out from under the biochemical spell easier and faster than the other. But again I caution you this has not truly been established as yet as being statistically supportable.

In this “Part One of the ‘Biochemistry of the Break-Up’ I have tried to shed some light and perspectives on the biochemistry that creates the tremendously painful ‘cognitive dissonance’ that a lost romantic love creates in the abandoned person. Cognitive dissonance can simply be defined (though overly simply perhaps) as the ‘difference between what you thought you had and what you ‘really got’.

In the next installment we need to address why the memories of a lost love are so vivid and enduring and painful. This is the biochemistry of PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder). It helps to know what forces are working on you and your behaviors at the non self-aware level and a lost love is definitely going to be one of them too.

And most especially how a lost ‘first true love’ (not to be confused with a firsts sexual partner) affects ones later ‘world view’ of romance. That modified ‘world view’ often arguments some behaviors that work against them at a sub-conscious level in their later pursuit of love.

Your past can never be changed, but your future sometimes must be. Ignorance is painful and expensive but knowledge is truly enormous power. Face your future armed with a knowledge of love and romance, and just how it works it magic.

www   Author: Freedom From Fear: Taking Back Control, Of Your Life and Dissolving Depression (ISBN-10: 0975999605, ISBN-13: 978-0975999608, The Science & Art of love & Romance: A Strategy for Success a Program For Healing ISBN 978-1442177482.Black Belt Hall of Fame


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